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 Why are our Harari women looking elsewhere to marry?

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Harar Li
Guest



PostSubject: Why are our Harari women looking elsewhere to marry?   Wed Apr 18, 2007 9:41 pm

All



As the original poster of this discussion forum I am sorry to say that I am ashamed of what this discussion forum has become. My intentions were not to see it turn into this; my intentions were to bring awareness to our men and women on what is going on in the community we live in. I hope we all have learned from it and we can see past this and continue to discuss the issue in more productive way.



Thanks
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Ali
Guest



PostSubject: Why are our Harari women looking elsewhere to marry?   Wed Apr 18, 2007 9:53 pm

Guest Ė



As a father of two teenage s and as a proud Hararian father I really would like to apologize on behalf of all the Harari men on what have been said. Thank you for being forward and thank you for sharing your thoughts on the issue. As a father I worry about this issue and many more every single minute. Seeing my daughters married to non-Harari Muslim guy as you put it is the least of my worries. As an educator and as someone who have lived in this western world for over 30 plus years I have done and seen many things that I am ashamed of, and I am doing my best to protect my kids from repeating the same mistake as mine. I really enjoyed reading your postings and it really hit home. Both my wife and I talk to our daughters daily, but we canít be there to protect them once they step outside of the front door. We are ashamed to point out our issues in public and discuss it; instead we sweep it under the rug and say Ossu Isemana Sad I think this really needs to stop.

You are right whether we like it or not we live in a world that is so much to handle and we never know what we might adapt to in the long run. As parents how many of us know what our kids are up to? How many of us know what our younger sister, brothers, nieces and nephews are doing? There are so many issues I can point out in this discussion forum, but I think you all know what I am trying to say.

It is good to suggest that this issue is talked about in the July four event, but until then I think we need to see what else is going on out there.
We have seen some of our sisters/daughters marrying Christians. We have seen some of our men and women who are consuming alcohol, we have seen some of our kids that are out of control. God forbid one day our kid shares some news we donít want to hear. We do have a bigger fish to fry, and I think this is the time to come together and put on our thinking caps. I think we need to find a way to make our Harari women see why we might be the right ones for them instead of attacking each other verbally.

Ali
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Guest
Guest



PostSubject: Why are our Harari women looking elsewhere to marry?   Wed Apr 18, 2007 9:54 pm

Leila Ė



Thanks for your posting, and I completely agree with you. I think it is time to focus on the issue at hand and give it our all. I will continue to focus on the issue, and that is why a few close friends of mine and I have decided to take this discussion to a friendlier environment and discuss it rationally. It is an issue that was brought up by one of the guys and I think it affects all of us whether we like it or not. I really want to say thank you to the brother who raised this issue in the first place. Thanks for seeing what some of us have seen, and for posting it to the general community.

Barking at each other is not the solution and sometimes you just have to try another way to get your point across and in this case we decided to do just that. I am sure in due time we might share the website with some of our diplomatic concerned Hararians who can be trusted to discuss the issue in a respectful manner, and until then thank you all for sharing all your thoughts on the issue and thanks all for your encouraging words. The fight is not over yet and this is truly an epidemic that should not be addressed lightly especially if you are the s and boys who really want to marry a Hararian.
To some I might have sounded a bit scary for putting it all out as I see it. I know culturally it is never acceptable to discuss issues that openly and share your thoughts. I will not apologize for being that way and I am where I am at because of my unique individuality. Please donít hold this against me and lose focus on what we are trying to say. Good luck all and hope you continue to discuss the issue and find a common ground to meet.

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Guest
Guest



PostSubject: Why are our Harari women looking elsewhere to marry?   Wed Apr 18, 2007 10:10 pm

Ali



Thanks for apologizing on behalf of all Harari men, that was really big of you. I hear you and I see your point. Continue to do your part as a parent and leave the rest to God. Just continue to leave the communication gate open between you and your kids and in time things will work itself out. I am not a parent yet and I canít say I understand what you are going through, but as an individual who have seen both the world at an early age I can say that there is a lot of guidance we need from our parents. Good Luck to all of you and hopefully in the future our path will cross and we can compare notes.
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Hassen
Guest



PostSubject: Re: Why are our Harari women looking elsewhere to marry?   Thu Apr 19, 2007 12:07 pm

Harar Li

You don't have to be ashame for initiating this forum. It is good to see different openion whether they insult each other or some give posetive coments. after all we need to fight and finally come to solution. D.C concer on one had has the right to engulf with the Guest's posting Guest also has the right to express her feeling having said that continue the battle and at the end we will see where we will end up. I like the discussion either way posetively discussion or bashing each other. the fact is you brougth good idea for discussion. Keep fignting my brother and sister!!!
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D.C Conc
Guest



PostSubject: Why are our Harari women looking elsewhere to marry?   Fri Apr 20, 2007 10:31 am

Aselamu Aleykum all,
It makes wonder why everybody went quiet, may be most of us give up the issue or we just got drained out with this issue. Anyway,we harariance should not be a quitter. Let us change the gear and discuss.
1, We all know the shorcomings of Harari Men which is spending more time doing BERCHA with his friends rather with his family. What should be done to meet in the middle ground?
2, What are the weaknesses of our sisters(Harari Women)?
3, Is there a shortage of men in our community? what should we do to resolve the probplem? Vise versa for a women as well.
4, Does some of our values change? which one?
5, what is the most important matter for our Harari women in her marriage? for our men as well.
If you have any let us discuss about it!
wassalam!
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D.C Conc
Guest



PostSubject: Why are our Harari women looking elsewhere to marry?   Fri Apr 20, 2007 10:34 am

Aselamu Aleykum all,
It makes wonder why everybody went quiet, may be most of us give up on the issue or we just got drained out with this issue. Anyway,we harariance should not be a quitter. Let us change the gear and discuss.
1, We all know the shorcomings of Harari Men which is spending more time doing BERCHA with his friends rather with his family. What should be done to meet in the middle ground?
2, What are the weaknesses of our sisters(Harari Women)?
3, Is there a shortage of men in our community? what should we do to resolve the probplem? Vise versa for a women as well.
4, Does some of our values change? which one?
5, what is the most important matter for our Harari women in her marriage? for our men as well.
If you have any let us discuss about it!
wassalam!
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ahaa



Number of posts : 7
Registration date : 2006-12-04

PostSubject: Re: Why are our Harari women looking elsewhere to marry?   Fri Apr 20, 2007 4:27 pm

hey D.C conc

You scared out of the girl that is why she disapear. in one hand you did the right thing becuse you touched the point but on the other hand the discussion become "qanchare" any way hey people come on and give your openion it is very good discussion. let us get solusion for this very dangrous isseu for our society
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D.C Conc
Guest



PostSubject: Why are our Harari women looking elsewhere to marry?   Fri Apr 20, 2007 5:50 pm

Dear ahaa
It wasn't my attention to perform that kind of debate,Specially with Harari Women but it is an elementary law in physics" FOR EVERY ACTION THE IS AN EVEN OPPOSITE REACTION",I react evenly,it just happent to be too much for them.I just react to their idea about Harari Men, which is baseless and full of hate. I would say it again if any of those women got a chance to read this post, None of us are absolute ,we all have weakness.I just don't understand why they keep hammering and looking down on Harari Men just because we did not suck the western culture like them. And some of them want accuse Harari Men just because they merry none Harari Men. After all there is say "A guilty conscience need no accuser".
Allah help us to find a solution. AMIN

Take Care,

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Leila
Guest



PostSubject: Why are our Harari women looking elsewhere to marry?   Fri Apr 20, 2007 9:53 pm

Guest,

I am saddened to read about you moving this discussion to another site, and at the same time kind of relieved to read that you are not abandoning discussing the issue. I see your dedication and commitment and please continue to do what you are doing. I just hope you let some of us join your discussion forum when the time is right Very Happy I also hope you visit this site to see what is going on and how far we all have gotten. I hope people will continue to be more active.

It is funny how ahaa is saying that D.C conc sacred guest away, and I donít think that is the case judging from her last posting. I think it shows that she removed herself gracefully so that we can all continue where we left off. It just shows that she had to do what she had to do to get this discussion going to a more positive way so that something is accomplished. So why donít we stop high fiving each other thinking that we have done something good and focus on the issue at hand. She sure was gutsy to put it all out there though Ė Good Luck Guest Very Happy

Leila
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Dr. Mo
Guest



PostSubject: Why are our Harari women looking elsewhere to marry?   Fri Apr 20, 2007 10:09 pm

Aselam-Aleikum All



I agree with Leila on the gutsy part regarding Guest. I hope she stayed and continued to discuss the issue at hand here rather than elsewhere, but she didnít, she will be missed. She sure hit us hard when she wrote down about her swearing off Harari men. I did feel it too, but I will not sit here and call her names for sharing what she wants when it comes to choosing her mate. This is a choice she made and as individuals who share the same religion, culture and community all we can do is support her in anyway we can, whether we like it or not she is one of us. To be honest, I donít want to see our women go and marry others, and I would not be telling the truth if I said it did not bother me at all. I see her concern and I see D.C concís concern as well. Are we Harari men to be blamed for pushing our women away? I guess there isnít a right or a wrong answer for that. I can say I treat her well according to my book, but she might say no that is not right. So where is the middle ground here? Who is telling the truth? At the end we will just continue to point fingers at each other.

So what is the solution here? One solution everyone agrees on is communication, another solution could be finding out if both of you are compatible in most cases (there is no way you can be compatible 100%) before getting too serious. If you have most things in common then I think you can work on the rest. Compromise comes to mind as well.

The number one major issue I can say about us men is we go out there and we marry someone who is so younger than us, and who is not compatible with us at all and when it is time to start a life together we have difficulty in keeping the marriage a success. The second issue I see when it comes to us men (speaking from my own experience) is that we men in general be it Hararian or not want to feel needed, want to be the guy who is there to rescue these women who need us. If we find out that we are not needed then our ego is just crushed. It is like being hit below the belt and ouch it hurts so much. The third issue I have seen so far is, we get intimidated by a strong, educated, smart, independent woman who has her life together (I admit I am one of them who is so intimidated by these types of women). I feel like I might not be able to give her what she needs and I might not live up to her standards Ė is that the case? I donít know, for I have not stayed longer in the relationship to find out. Maybe some one can respond to that Very Happy

Time has changed and our women donít need us the way our mothers needed our fathers, the way our grand mothers needed our grand fathers to support them financially, and emotionally. Fellows, these women who are looking to marry non-Harari men are looking men who are more emotionally ready, not that much financially (donít get me wrong, I am sure there are plenty who need both supports from us). I have sisters who are single and who are married and they all complain about the emotional aspect of the relationship rather than the financial aspect of it when it comes to our men. They are saying that ďI can buy me what I want, I can get me what I need, and the one major thing I need a man for is to be there for me emotionally and to help me in time of need (when I am down)." When you really think about it, and look at it from their point of view that might be true. These women are exposed to a lot being in the western world (even the ones at home are more independent compared to 10 years ago). Are we there for them emotionally? Are we there when they need us? Are we spending enough time with them and with our kids?

Guys, what I am trying to say here is that we have two options here.

1. We can continue to point fingers, call these women names, accuse them of things and tell them that they are the ones who need to change etcÖ OR

2. We can be the smarter ones and see where our shortcomings are and try to solve them one by one.

Fellows, think about it. From what I have read so far all the guys who have responded are not happy about what is going on when it comes to our women choosing their life partners. Also I have not seen any man saying that I want to marry out side of Harari women. It is clear that we are concerned whether we admit it or not. The ones that have already gone off to marry outside can continue to do so Ė we wish them luck and we will be here for them if they need us. For those who are still with us maybe we might have a slim chance of saving the ones who still think we are their first choice Very Happy

Please give it a very wise thought, donít let your emotions take over and respond quickly and miss what I am trying to say. At the end of the day we all are fighting the same battle and we are a team!



Dr. Mohammed
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Amir Nur
Guest



PostSubject: that is right   Mon Apr 23, 2007 6:26 pm

ASSALAMU-ALAYKUM,
Dear all,
Dr Mohammed pointed of some the reality.
Let me add some of my observations.
1. There are several yound men and women born and grown up ABROAD. They do have minimum exposure to each other, even during July 4, the ceremony is mostly attended by small kids and married couples.Most of the singles are females. One of the eminent problem is luck of exposure to each other.
2. While there are several single Harari women near to them, majority if not all of Harar men living abroad prefer to bring his mate from Harar, DD or Addis. Such thing results on ferestration of the ladies and desiding their own way, other marry a none Harari or look for Harari from home.For who got the opportunity to live abroad, it might be a good or a bad luck.But for Harari society living at home it is a disaster. Hat do you thing my brothers and sisters???
3. Poor communication among each other, to explian their needs and expectations.
I will stop here the hear something from all of you,

ANWa
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Extinct
Guest



PostSubject: Get over it. We are extinct   Wed May 02, 2007 11:25 pm

Guest: you are a breath of fresh air and I wish you were mine.

To the rest of my sisters, RUN !!!

Get over it. We are extinct and let there be peace.

I wish all of you a wonderful life.
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fresh
Guest



PostSubject: getoverit!   Fri May 04, 2007 9:49 am

Who ever wants to marry non harari Go for it!!! there is nothing stoping you.
To make a long story short, "most" harari men are NOT family oriented, but the women are!!! very twisted isn't it....so if it means harari women have to go to a non harari men to get their lifestyle in check...Girl ,go do yo thang!!! lets keep adere culture strong, culture this.. culture that!! thats not what is all about, its about individuals happiness. If a chic can't be happy with harari men find who ever it is that can add a spice into yo' life, na, don't get me wrong there are some good harari men out there... just gotta look harder...harari chix are generalizing when they turn their face toware non adere guy, just focus on wanting what you desire the most in a man and not point fingers on the men who happen to be adere. thumbs up!
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sami
Guest



PostSubject: the reality   Fri May 04, 2007 12:42 pm

May I suggeste, for those
Harari ,women, for any reason with no possibility to get hold of the elegant harari
guys , let us tolerate for their subsequent option to hunt non- Harari ,also they be able to give alleged reason like , ĎI am imposed to marry
non Harari coz Harari chap are not fast to adopt the western culture Ď Ö..Etc Ö.as long as it cures
their inferiority complex let us just tell them ..really oh ok good, right, ...if not it hurt
their sense and they may attempt to spoil our culture to take revenge of our people
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Unique
Guest



PostSubject: Why are our Harari women looking elsewhere to marry?   Sat May 19, 2007 12:28 pm

Dear Extinct -

Too bad DC.Conc run Guest away...I wonder what she is up to, and I was saying the same too (I wish she was mine Smile). I truely enoyed reading her postings. Does anyone know where she is posting these days? Please Guest, if you visit this website let us know what is going on.

Unique
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Y
Guest



PostSubject: Re: Why are our Harari women looking elsewhere to marry?   Mon May 21, 2007 5:19 am

I'm surprised to see an active forum after keeping quiet on othe issues. It's funny that many of you ar emotional (way too emotional)

Some of you complicated the simple agenda. Here's my opinion:

1. There are very nice and intelligent men out there.
2. There are very nice and intelligent women out there.
3. The probability of these people meeting is getting lower and lower.
4. People look for mates whether they're hararis or not.

So, the solution is making it easy for these people to meet. It has nothing to do with flowers and such. It's all about meeting someone with rahmat, intelligence and who is cool!

I'm a sigle harari woman and personally it has nothing to do with whether a guy is harari or not. It's all about personality. And if I don't meet the smart harari guys, I won't jump and marry a non-smart non-harari guy. I will marry the non-harari guy if he fulfills the qualities I'm looking for (and I'd do the same if he were a harari.)

We have to remember that our guys are running off and marrying others from other ethnic groups as well. So, you can't expect all harari women to marry harari men - just b/c women outnumber men
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Lucy
Guest



PostSubject: Why are our Harari women looking elsewhere to marry?   Thu Jun 07, 2007 10:07 pm

Never thought it would come to this, but I am running out of options:

An muteze tinebrizat gey kahat intene [single gey kahat] looking for single gey ligy mensaele. Interest zala gey ligy halgire please ey email address be email oochlene. If anyone is wondering menle ewe moshele gebethu, fizbe pressure garachzine gereble dijebayne and decided to try this route. Oukah, I am taking a big risk, but min lose ashazah shei hal?

Gey kahatwa gey ligy yetrabazal owgazo fizbe amosene, Alay kebila mensebe ey owgaw egebatah bakumanta. Judge yashenzal ousou halgir es-hulube ahdshem yemeslenumel. At least I will say I tried it all.

Here is my email address [ llllewis33@yahoo.com], if you are interested please email me. Have to be between the age of 40-45.

Hope to hear from you.

P.s. If anyone knows a website where I can find possible single Harari mates please let me know so that I don't use this forum in the future.

Thanks
Lucy
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wehib
Guest



PostSubject: we lost our path   Sun Jul 01, 2007 1:14 pm

i think not all but most of participants miss basical point towards the solution for the adressed problem.i believethat still the solution is soley our releagion.islam doesnt prohibit us giving arose ,having picnic,sharing ideas more other thigs with them.we should better refer back to hadith and quran.it is fullof romantic department.for instance or significantly we can see how our prohet (peace and blessing be upon him)treats his nine wives fairly (giving equal chance of all things) which all are aceptable moral values even the way we made intercouse,the time it is prefered, the way we should dress before and more other things.islam has clearly put rihgts and obligations on both eventhough they are not equal for both.i suggest that there is no need to spend time finding solutions other than this way.they are all acceptable to logical and rational minded person.
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1234
Guest



PostSubject: dont get lost   Mon Jul 16, 2007 3:04 pm

The brother who began this post said he does not like to get into discussions about religion... and that is where I think the problem is. Important things need to be discussed (especially in marriage). And the most important thing to us is our religion. Many wise people have mentioned that our deen is our salvation, and they are correct. We must not forget Allah has a plan for each one of us, and for some marrying a non-Harari is that plan... and how dare you question Allah's will!!!! When you die, will we be pardoned for marrying a Harari...? NO... so while it would be nice and there is nothing wrong with marrying within our own tribe ( masha'allah), if a sister marries a brother who helps her grow as a god fearing Muslim that is the best thing anyone could ever receive from a marriage.

With the possible issues regarding the friction between the "westernized" Harari woman and the "traditional" Harari man... deen is what saves the potential marriage. If a man feels his wife is too materialistic ( that is what some of the men mentioned as an issue with the woman), rather than condemning her, teach her how the deen orders us to act as husband and wife. If you donít know, why not learn together... imagine how wonderful an experience it would be to learn religious knowledge with you loved spouse... having them to answer your questions or being there to answer their...


I think both men and woman in our culture lack humility... being able to admit when we are wrong, and this is an incredible reward in Islam. In a marriage one needs to be able to understand when they have made a mistake and take criticism from a loved one. It's not about western and traditional... itís about putting something above you (Islam), and allowing that shared belief to bring you both on the same page. It's about showing each other you weakness and Allah being the source of strength... that is all we need to get along in an Islamic marriage... and insha'allah all our marriages ( harari or non-harari) can be blessed by Allah. Let's not be arrogant and assume we have control over everything. Remember we are God's slaves and strive to please him... May Allah protect us all insha'a
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Unidenti
Guest



PostSubject: Cultural diversity   Sat Jul 28, 2007 11:01 am

I think the whole priniciple of hararis should be getting married to each other is considered a backward thinking and unparallel with the the moving world, I hope hararis realize that marriage should be of a free will and love based (as well as religion) but not ethinic.

So the reality is the harari people realize the world is changing and people no more leave in a confined environment.
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Sima
Guest



PostSubject: Harari Men   Sun Jul 29, 2007 12:38 am

Unidenti

What a sensible post. Thank you.

Why should I marry a Harari man? This is parochial thinking in the extreme, if I meet a nice man from somewhere else, why should I not marry him?

Many Harari men do little work in the house, and prefer to spend large parts of the day chewing chat even in front of children.
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Wineshet
Guest



PostSubject: It is obvious   Sun Jul 29, 2007 8:35 am

Why do Harari women look elsewhere to marry?

It is simple, we don't want backward men who spend all their spare time chewing chat.

Harar has a big problem with chat consumption, it is holding the city back. Chat (like beer) in moderation is ok, but here it is out of control. Men have memory problems, and spend every afternoon chewing. Look at the "chat crazies" on the streets to see the ultimate problems from chat.
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me
Guest



PostSubject: Hararies   Thu Aug 02, 2007 4:26 pm

We have sufficient data about this subject marrying outsiders. Go and
ask those people who choose to do it before you, and you will find out the
answer is not like you think it is. Stick to each other and try to
make it work...
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Sharif
Guest



PostSubject: Re: Why are our Harari women looking elsewhere to marry?   Fri Aug 03, 2007 6:51 pm

Wineshet wrote:
"Chat (like beer) in moderation is ok"

What can I say except SUBHANALH Sad Surprised Shocked Mad
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